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Nearly four years.

That’s how long I have been at my latest job with the State of Texas.

And that ended today.

I’m not going to divulge in office gossip, nor am I going to post about how great or crappy my working experience has/has not been. I’m a firm believer that you are where you are in life for a reason – whether it’s good or bad. So I can’t complain. And I won’t.

I’ll only miss a handful of people. They were my confidants, my energies, my life lines, and my keepers. They all have been thanked individually, and they all will not be rid of me that easily. The internet is deadly that way – am I right?

Do I have regrets?

Nah. Not really.

My time at the SAO was fulfilling and purposeful. It had direction and opportunities. It was an experience I’ll never forget.

Will I miss anything?

Yes.

One major thing.

My manager.

It’s only so often that one comes along an individual that is just as invested in your future as you are – and that was my manager. She not only took care to see I was given every opportunity to succeed, she was diligent in providing just enough direction so that I knew where I was going, but didn’t need a backseat driver. She was complete in her thoughts, she was direct in her actions, and she was brilliant in her ability to use foresight and global planning. She is a diamond in the rough – and someone I am very sad to leave. I raise my glass to her, and wish her the very best in the years to come. She deserves that much.

So why leave?

There are multiple answers to that question, and it really doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done. I’m off to new opportunities, new rules, new principles, new spaces, and new faces. And at this point, there is no looking back. Yep. It’s done!

So am I excited?

Absolutely.

Image via Wikipedia

I’M NOT PREGNANT.

Let’s just get that out of the way….I’m looking at you Ms. Medlin, Ms. Wiseman, and Mrs. Schumacher.

I do have an announcement though, something that has been months and months in the works.

…..Drumroll please……

…

…

…

Ok – enough of this silliness, I’m leaving my job with the State, and moving to Dell.

ACK!

Yeah – kind of lackluster after getting it all out there like that. I bet some of you are thinking “who cares, so what, BORING!” And you may be right, but for a “no change” kind of girl like me, moving from the public sector BACK to the private sector was a huge decision. HUGE!

It all started months ago with the State Legislature. Texas is going through a MAJOR budget crisis right now, and that means making hard decisions about where to find money, cut expenditures, and ultimately keep the state from going completely down the drain. The Legislature has a tough job this biennial, and I don’t envy them one bit. Most of the State Agencies in Texas are waiting around to see what the Legislature is going to “command” through the budget bills, but our office is being proactive – and making tough decisions early so that when the budget is released, we can say we’ve already done our part, we can’t cut any more.

So – because of this “proactiveness” a.k.a. “you may lose your job, so start looking now,” I started looking for a new job. My field of work (Training) has always been the fickle sister in any organization. Sometimes you really need training, and other times you don’t have money for training. Usually (not always) the training department is the first to go. Knowing that piece of information, I boot-scooted my resume all over Texas.

And then it happened.

Dell two-stepped up next to me and asked me to dance.

And, well….as of yesterday – I accepted.

I’m scared shitless. Really.

The last time I worked in the private sector it was with a mortgage company. And we all know what happened to the mortgage industry. KABOOM! So moving out of my snuggy public sector job is not something to sneeze at, it was a big decision. The State has been very good to me, and for the past four years it’s been a very stable and secure job. It’s only been recently with all the budget cuts that it’s begun to look dire and unstable. Damn you budget cuts.

But – Dell is still a top 3 technology company. I know quite a few people who work there that love it. And ultimately, they are paying me more money, and can offer me more opportunity for advancement than my current employer. Win-win.

So….yeah. I’m moving. My last day here at the office is May 13, and then it’s off to new managers, new people, new office space, new rules, new games, and ultimately….new experiences.

Bittersweet it is.

“Rise and rise again until lambs become lions.”

 That quote was in the recent Robin Hood movie, which we watched last week for the first time. I don’t know why it takes us so long to see movies these days. Anyway – I find myself loving the quote because it speaks to those of us that feel downtrodden and hopeless, encouraging us to fight against the odds and rise up until the fight is fought and the war is won.

…and I need it right now…

The last few days the whole “I’m going to eat healthy and exercise” has kind of gone by the way side. I’m a master at finding excuses to NOT do something…yes…I’m very skilled in that area. I found an excuse to waiver from the meal plan and not exercise. My inner little devil told me it was okay to scarf down some junk food because I’d been sooooo good the previous week, which sounded something like this:  

Little Devil (LD): “Jenny, doesn’t that bunt cake look so good?”
Jenny: “ooooooh (drool) yes it does!”
LD: “Go ahead, have one, two, three….you deserve it for eating so well recently.”
Jenny: “Ok, maybe just one…”
LD: “Yes…YES! … How about a burger now that you’ve gone off your plan?”
Jenny: “Really? Can I? Should I?
LD: “Of course – you’ve already blown it, let’s totally go crazy!”

Anyone what’s been in my shoes totally understands this mentality. You can find any excuse to NOT eat well, to not exercise, not clean the house, not go to work, not call your friends, and not do anything at all but wallow in self-serving laziness and gluttony. Damn you little devil (as I point the finger to myself).

“Rise and rise again untill lambs  become lions.”

So here we go again.

Day one goal = stick to meal plan today, and just say no to LD.

Now I don’t want anyone to get all preachy on me. I know that people are allowed to mess up now and then, and I’m not beating up myself over any of this. Nor am I going to get all super psycho about counting calories, or exercising for hours on end, or any of that nonsense. I’m just stating the obvious that we all deviate from “the path,” (whatever path we may be on) and that it’s okay – it’s okay, but I hate it.

Time to kick the excuses to the curb. You with me?

And I’m happy to report that Bears and I have made a 180 degree change these past two weeks with our eating habits! And Oh.My.GOD. has it been hard!

It all started with a mental breakdown I had a couple of weeks ago. There I was trying to fit into pants that just didn’t want to cooperate. I almost tore them to pieces for being so defiant, but alas I wasn’t strong enough to shred a decent pair of jeans, especially with the hopes that I would fit in them again one day. Ha! So as I stood there in my room pantless, I took a real good look at myself in the mirror and said – ENOUGH. Things need to change.

You see, my eating habits had gotten totally out of control. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but there were days where I was so crazy for junk food, that I for breakfast I would go to Taco Cabana and order 3 bean and cheese breakfast tacos with a side of 6 flour tortillas; for lunch I would go to McDonald’s and order 2 small hamburgers, a large french fry, large Dr. Pepper, and an M&M McFlurry; and for dinner I’d top that off with a Panormous pizza, chicken wings, and bread sticks from Pizza Hut. And it doesn’t stop there, in between meals I would snack on candy, Little Debbie snacks, and Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream.

Junk. Food. Whore.

 I don’t know where this mentality comes from? I’d like to say it’s because I was hardly ever allowed junk food as a kid, and I never ate junk food while in college because of running. I’d like to point the finger, but I know all to well that I need to take 100% responsiblity for my lack of self-control. And I think that’s the hardest part. I eat poorly because I choose to – not because of any other reason.

Back to two weeks ago, I knew things had to change but I had forgotten how to do it correctly. So I sought out help from Sparkpeople.com. The website is a diamond in the rough – and it’s completely free. What this website did for me was help me identify foods I should eat to stay healthy, and shed a few pounds (safely) at the same time. The website allows you to track your calories, develop fitness plans, and best of all…meal plans! Sparkpeople takes into account what you like and don’t like, and will create a weekly meal plan for you based on your goals. Amazing!

So Bears and I told ourselves that we were going to suck it up and give it a try – veggies – fruit – beans – nuts – you name it, we were going to try it. And to tell you the truth, it hasn’t been that bad!  Just the other day Bears sent me a picture of his lunch which was a potato with black beans, salsa, and cilantro and green tea on the side. Bears…eating a potato and green tea instead of pizza and pop? Do you know what that means people!? Now… there are a few “menu” items that we (Bears and I) know we don’t like, and when those items pop up, Sparkpeople allows you to substitute them for similar foods. It’s all in the plan! I think the best part of this, is that we’re learning what we should eat..and realizing that we can eat healthy and not starve to death (our worst fear with dieting). And to add to all of this, we’re incorporating recipes from Hungry Girl, a website/recipe book that I have been following since pre-wedding. The recipes and tips/tricks for eating healthy without giving up taste is quite amazing. We love Hungry Girl so much, that we’ve now nick-named those recipes “Hungry Bear” recipes, because if Bears likes it – then you know it’s good!

Now – let’s get real for a moment. It’s only been two weeks..right? I mean, what’s the big deal about dieting and eating right for just two weeks? Well people – it’s a big deal. Because all of this (eating right, exercising, etc.) takes time, preparation, effort, and dedication. And I would like to celebrate my 2 week mark, especially because I’m not the only one that is doing it – Bears is too, and he’s doing awesome.

So have we seen any changes? Physically to the naked eye – no – I haven’t seen anything yet. But we all know the mirror is a deadly way to promote negative thoughts – so I’m staying away from that for a while. But I can report that Bears has officially lost 6 lbs. and I’ve lost 4 lbs. And that – to me – is something to celebrate! Just wait until we add in regular exercise and strength training…something that we’re starting this next week.

I hardly recognize my thought patterns anymore. Eating healthy? Exercising? Planning meals? Eating at home? Buying fresh foods? Who is this girl? I’ll tell you who she is – she’s the girl who doesn’t want to tempt fate and bring on diabetes, and heart disease. She’s the girl who doesn’t want to feel out of breath when I climb a flight of stairs. She’s the girl who wants to kick some ass out on the pavement. And she’s the girl who wants to feel right in her own skin. Here’s to a lasting change – something long overdue for my household.

Whoa…now! Don’t go and get any crazy ideas. I’m a squatter, not a sitter!

But it’s the premise.

There’s a freaking hair on the seat.

GROSS. ME. OUT.

I can’t for the life of me understand how people let their “hairs” flow freely on to any shared/public place. I can’t stand to sit in a chair that has hair draped over it, or pick up a report that may have a stray hair clutching to its pages. It just grosses me out. Am I the only one here? Brush it off people! BRUSH. IT. OFF.

Back to the toilet.

Seriously – imagine if you will the women’s restroom. What comes to mind? Clean sparkling walls? Floral wallpaper? Maybe even a nice little basket of goodies and refreshments on the counter to help the ladies freshen up?

WRONG.

Our restrooms have stone cold walls, usually 3 stalls that may accommodate 200+ people, and a stench that only the Grinch would love. It’s embarrassing. I can’t even call it the “Ladies Room” because it’s such a joke. We aren’t ladies in the restroom - we’re savage bathroom beasts. BEASTS I tell you!

This bathroom thing is really perplexing. It’s not like the “hairs” are a one time occurence. It happens every day I try to use the restroom.  And to add to it, there will be plenty of times some woman will blow up a bathroom stall like she’s getting back at “The Man” for making her go to work that day. It has been as bad as actual poop on the seat. POOP ON THE SEAT! There have also been occasions where someone was careless with their “time of the month” apparatus, and beyond any reasoning I know of, have been able to fling woman goo all over the place. It’s literally like someone goes in there and whips around a feminine product lasso. I’m about to puke. You?

I bet you think I’m lying right? Why wouldn’t you? This all sounds waaaaay too outlandish for a woman’s bathroom. But I kid you not folks – women are the worst….and working women professionals are no different! They’re too busy to care if the pee/poo/or wild hair makes it into anything but the toilet. Over worked. Underpaid. Too busy to clean up another bathroom other than their own (which is questionable at best).

Restroom. Ha!

At work – I call it the war room.

Still don’t believe me…here’s proof. Yesterday night I got the idea to write this blog entry as I was leaving work and had just used the rest room. Of course there was a hair on the seat. Tonight, as I write to you, before I left work I stole a moment to go into the bathroom again to do a hair check…and loe and behold……exibit “A” (click on the photo to enlarge its glory):

The long view:

The close-up:

Disgusting.

Happy Valentines Day to my one and only, my sweet baby, my best friend, my husband…my Bears!

Call me fat.

You’d be doing me a favor, really.

This morning I did something that I don’t normally do – and that’s weigh myself. I’m not so much afraid of the scale, it’s more that I don’t believe in judging myself by an arbitrary number. Labeling with weight numbers drives people mad, and I truly believe that a healthy weight number is different for everyone, including myself. But this morning the scale told me something the rest of you haven’t. I’ve gained an unhealthy amount of weight over the past year. So much so, the scale didn’t even tell me a number – it said: “Damn girl, I’m disappointed. Time to change that diet of yours.”

I have satellite radio. Not that it has anything to do with losing weight or my scale this morning, but in a roundabout way it IS related. I usually listen to Oprah Radio on the way to and from work. (Oh I know what you’re thinking….Oprah Radio, really Jenny? Well – really folks. It keeps me entertained). This morning the show was on Jennifer Hudson and her recent success with Weight Watchers. Note her before and after photo. Pretty darn amazing if you ask me.  Of course Weight Watchers has a whole system for you to follow: food points (counting calories), excercise, accountability, etc. Jennifer lost 80 pounds using the Weight Watchers system. And I know other people have had success through the program as well. Wow – it sounds like I’m endorsing Weight Watchers, but honestly I’m not. I’m just mentioning that Jennifer Hudson used it as a way to keep herself in control of what she eats, how she exercises, etc. Something that anyone can do – but it takes effort. Jennifer explained during the interview that:

“It was a hard journey. Most of the time my brain was telling me I was one size, when in actuality I was another size.”

Jennifer’s words: “my brain was telling me I was one size, when in actuality I was another” struck a chord deep within me. A big chunk of my life I have been labeled as “the runner.” With that came a skinny lean body that I never had to worry about. For years this label stuck with me and the label was ingrained into my head. “Jenny, you’re skinny and healthy as an ox. Eat anything you want.” But just as the crow flies, my eating habits and lack of exercise after college took me straight to the plus sizes. Something my brain never wanted to admit. There I was – the typical girl trying to fit 101 pounds into a 100 pound bag (Thanks Tony Carlson for that analogy). Clothes were getting too tight, skin was acting weird, mood was plummeting - and my brain was still telling me that I was 21-year-old running 8-10 miles a day. It was lying to me.

Jennifer is right. It is a hard journey. Whether it’s your brain or my brain, the brain in general makes it almost impossible to override with correct thoughts of health and healthy living. Programs like Weight Watchers, Spark People, Smart Cooking, LiveStrong, etc. all help an individual find the balance between the demons of an old life trying to over power the knowledge and freedom of a new life. And when those demons come-a-knockin’, lord knows I get weak. “Cookies Jenny?” “Why yes demons. And can you deep fry them just to spite me?” “Coming right up!”…demon laughs as it walks away knowing it won again.

So going back to the scale this morning. As it flashed 160 pounds I lost my breath.

Wow.

You know when you were a kid and you were taught by your mother to never ask a woman her weight? Well – now I’m pissed that we all had mothers that thought us manners. I mean really! How could I go from 130 to 160 within a years time and not have one single person ask me about it? I know - all of you are too nice. Or probably more to the point – too scared to reap the wrath of actually saying something to a woman about her weight. We all were brought up knowing that asking about weight is too personal, off limits, and wrong. But I’m taking a stand today to say that I WANT you to say something. I need accountability. That’s what all of the above aforementioned weight programs are about. Reprogram the brain, and have some accountability along the way. We need each other to keep us aware that either we’re living in a fantasy world or are walking down a dangerous unhealthy road. And in the mean time, I’ll do my part to keep the cookies out of the house, and my feet out on the trails.

I need now to take a break and give a shout out to Bears and one of his friends (not to be named to keep his privacy intact). Yesterday I came home with an eating plan I researched off of Spark People and Bears and I talked about committing to eating better, eating less, and exercising. The same day, one of Bear’s friends emailed me and asked to start a running group. He needed some accountability too. So we set up a time to run on Saturday. This will be the first time I’ve run in about three months. But I’m ready. I want this. Jennifer Hudson told Oprah:

“I cook all my meals at home. When I work out, I like what I do. I don’t believe in overdoing myself. It’s all about self-motivation because at the end of the day, you can have all the trainers and all the money in the world, but if you don’t have that mindset, it’s not possible.”

Damn straight Ms. Hudson. No matter what “program” you use, or how much you invest in training equipment, diet food, gym memberships, or accountability partners – if you don’t have the right mindset, then it’s not possible.

Today is day one. And today I strive to have and keep the right mindset. Demons beware – you are not allowed to manipulate me today. Huzzah!

I’m joining a gym.

This morning was the last straw, as my pants so graciously let me know: “Jenny – why are you trying to squeeze into us? We can’t handle the pressure! We’re giving you all she’s got captain!”

Now, as I sit and look at the seams on my pants I feel sorry for the poor person who actually notices how tight they fit today…it’s not a pretty sight (the making of a muffin top). Nor does it feel good on my stomach as the inside button presses into my skin as it holds on for dear life, while the zipper is pleading with me to be let loose of its daunting task to keep everything together.

Gym. Gym. Gym.

For months I’ve been eating what I want, and not participating in a stitch of exercise, all for the hopes that my “feelings” would be magically changed from “stressed out” to “utopia.” What a facade. I feel worse than ever (as I stuff my face with Taco Cabana). Stress is not an excuse to live and act like a glutton. There will always be stress. Money stress, family stress, work stress, relationship stress, etc. The list goes on and on. It’s America – there will be stress.

Gym. Gym. Gym.

It’s funny how complacent I get. I’d like to point the finger at Lance (my college track coach) and blame him for over working me back in my 20′s … because every time I go to run, I constantly think about my split times, my distance vs. pace, and my weight. And I hate it. It is so overwhelming at times that I hate to run - and I’ve tried biking, etc., but I hate that too.  It’s not Lance’s fault I’m a head case. He isn’t here now – and he hasn’t been here since 2003 – so whose fault is it?

Mine.

And I hate that.

I don’t like to be at fault for my own wrong doing. It’s easy to admit that I’m wrong to others whenever I have made them upset or mad or whatever…but I can’t admit I’m at fault for my own “self-wronging.” Yes I just made up that word. This is the worst kind of “suck-it-up” I have ever faced…where the little bird on my shoulder continues to chirp: “Jenny, you’re not 20 anymore, you body metabolism has changed, your eating and exercise patterns need to change, and your laziness needs to be kicked to the curb.”

Gym. Gym. Gym.

So how do I reprogram myself? I did it before…right before the wedding. I told myself there wasn’t any other way – that I needed to lose weight to fit into my dress, and fit in it I did. I ate right, exercised, got enough sleep…all for the sake of a dress! So now what? I have no looming dress to fit into – all I have is my daily self to look at and keep healthy. And to be honest – sometimes the Oreos win over my thoughts and wants of  being healthy. Like last night. I had every intention of eating healthy – I made some soup, added a slice of bread, and then…..a row of Oreos. Where the hell the Oreos came in, I don’t know? I think I’ve mentally claimed them as a new food group. See this post about how addicted I am to those damn cookies: Motivation Fail. But honestly – what’s my motivation now? Vanity? Health?

Gym. Gym. Gym.

So what’s going to change if I join a gym? What changes for anyone that joins a gym?

Money.

You pay for the gym membership, and that should be motivation enough to get you to the treadmill to work off your debt to the establishment. If I’m paying for something, I better be getting something back in return! This is the one motivating factor I know that gets me every time. I hate paying for something that reaps no benefit. Call it a weakness, or whatever you want – but it’s true. But on the flip side,  it’s that same money that keeps me away from the gym. Who wants to pay to exercise when you can just run outside? For free. And then I have this internal argument with myself over and over again that goes something like this:

Busting at the seams Jenny (BATSJ): “I need to get a gym membership. I’m tired of not being able to fit into any of my clothes.”
Responsible Jenny (RJ): “You don’t need to join a gym. Just run outside and use the free weights you have at the house.”
BATSJ: “I haven’t run in months! What’s to say that I am going to do it now. Plus it’s cold as balls out – and you know darn well in the summer that running outside is a death wish in Texas!”
RJ: ”Listen, you can bundle up right now when it’s cold, and in the summer you can run in the morning when it’s cooler.”
BATSJ: “Okay – sure I can bundle up now for what….2 more weeks? When the hot weather comes I can’t run in the morning. I already get up at 4:30 am! You want me to get up earlier than that!? NO WAY!”
RJ: “Well that’s just lazy.”
BATSJ: “No – that’s called being sane. Either way – the gym has more features than just running outside. I can bike one day, or take a cardio class, or do yoga. All of this is at the gym!”
RJ: “Sure that’s all nice and dandy – but it costs money.”
BATSJ: “No more than an order of pizza a month. I figure, if I can order one less pizza from Pizza Hut, and transfer that money over to a gym membership – then it’s a win-win! I get to work out, AND I eat one less crappy thing for dinner.”
RJ: “You’re not fooling anyone. You’ll still order pizza. You live with Pizza Bears.”
BATSJ: “Well….I’ll make him join the gym too.”
RJ: “That won’t stop you guys from ordering pizza, in fact – you’ll probably want pizza more since you’ll be ‘working out’ so much. This is a joke. Not to mention that now you’re paying for two memberships instead of one.”
BATSJ: “When did you get all Negative Nancy on me? I thought we were a team. Team GYM!”
RJ: “I’m your sensible side. The side that says you should use that extra ‘pizza’ money and apply it to your debt to family members or your credit cards instead of this gym workout pipe dream.”
BATSJ: “But my pants….”
RJ: ”Shhhhh!”
BATSJ: “But….!
RJ: ”I said shoosh!”
BATSJ: ”Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

Yeah. That’s what I’m dealing with in my head.

Now what!?

That was Bears this morning…with our garage door.

You see people – something is happening in Texas this week that normally doesn’t happen.

COLD WEATHER.

Oh Heaven forbid.

Note today’s current weather conditions:

We’re at 25 degrees here in Austin…and that’s probably the warmest city here in Texas. I’d like to point out that the map is ice blue, like that helps us understand that we’re cold! I could just imagine our weather people designing this digital map for their website: “Roy, make sure you make it icy blue so those red necks understand we ain’t screwing around…if they can’t read – boy I’ll tell you they’ll sure understand icy blue!”

Other cities like Amarillo never made it out of the single digits today….and it’s TEXAS! All hell is breaking loose – I promise you that. Our office made us turn off the lights today to conserve energy, the airport is turning people away, and the Super Bowl is Sunday in Dallas. It’s colder in Dallas than in Austin – in more ways than one, those pretentious bastards! Okay – just kidding (no I’m not).

So back to Bears and the garage. Because of the cold, ice is forming all over the place in our little “used to be warm” town. Ice on roads, ice on plants, and definitely ice on power lines. So of course the power is going out everywhere in town, our house included. And since we just moved into a new place in November, I forgot that it’s my responsibility if something happens to our place, or if the power goes out. There’s no one to call but Bears. And Bears I called. 6:30 in the morning, there he was propping open our garage door so that I could squeeze my car out and skid off to work.

What say you Northerners? We’re a joke to you, right? I mean – you deal with snow and ice and much colder conditions than our pointed little Southern heads. I’m embarrassed to even write this about Austin/TX. Because we’re wimps! Yes – we as a collective State are a bunch of sissies!

I was so excited to finally be able to wear my long petticoat with matching gloves and scarf. I honestly thought I would never be able to partake in such a wonderful fashion statement, but low and behold I have had the perfect chance all week to sport my threads with pride. Bring it on Texas – Colder! I command you!

Now….I only have to make sure Bears it up for coming out of hibernation to snuggle a little more to keep me warm….and to open the garage.