Go on…call me fat.

You read the title correctly.

Call me fat.

You’d be doing me a favor, really.

This morning I did something that I don’t normally do – and that’s weigh myself. I’m not so much afraid of the scale, it’s more that I don’t believe in judging myself by an arbitrary number. Labeling with weight numbers drives people mad, and I truly believe that a healthy weight number is different for everyone, including myself. But this morning the scale told me something the rest of you haven’t. I’ve gained an unhealthy amount of weight over the past year. So much so, the scale didn’t even tell me a number – it said: “Damn girl, I’m disappointed. Time to change that diet of yours.”

I have satellite radio. Not that it has anything to do with losing weight or my scale this morning, but in a roundabout way it IS related. I usually listen to Oprah Radio on the way to and from work. (Oh I know what you’re thinking….Oprah Radio, really Jenny? Well – really folks. It keeps me entertained). This morning the show was on Jennifer Hudson and her recent success with Weight Watchers. Note her before and after photo. Pretty darn amazing if you ask me.  Of course Weight Watchers has a whole system for you to follow: food points (counting calories), excercise, accountability, etc. Jennifer lost 80 pounds using the Weight Watchers system. And I know other people have had success through the program as well. Wow – it sounds like I’m endorsing Weight Watchers, but honestly I’m not. I’m just mentioning that Jennifer Hudson used it as a way to keep herself in control of what she eats, how she exercises, etc. Something that anyone can do – but it takes effort. Jennifer explained during the interview that:

“It was a hard journey. Most of the time my brain was telling me I was one size, when in actuality I was another size.”

Jennifer’s words: “my brain was telling me I was one size, when in actuality I was another” struck a chord deep within me. A big chunk of my life I have been labeled as “the runner.” With that came a skinny lean body that I never had to worry about. For years this label stuck with me and the label was ingrained into my head. “Jenny, you’re skinny and healthy as an ox. Eat anything you want.” But just as the crow flies, my eating habits and lack of exercise after college took me straight to the plus sizes. Something my brain never wanted to admit. There I was – the typical girl trying to fit 101 pounds into a 100 pound bag (Thanks Tony Carlson for that analogy). Clothes were getting too tight, skin was acting weird, mood was plummeting - and my brain was still telling me that I was 21-year-old running 8-10 miles a day. It was lying to me.

Jennifer is right. It is a hard journey. Whether it’s your brain or my brain, the brain in general makes it almost impossible to override with correct thoughts of health and healthy living. Programs like Weight Watchers, Spark People, Smart Cooking, LiveStrong, etc. all help an individual find the balance between the demons of an old life trying to over power the knowledge and freedom of a new life. And when those demons come-a-knockin’, lord knows I get weak. “Cookies Jenny?” “Why yes demons. And can you deep fry them just to spite me?” “Coming right up!”…demon laughs as it walks away knowing it won again.

So going back to the scale this morning. As it flashed 160 pounds I lost my breath.

Wow.

You know when you were a kid and you were taught by your mother to never ask a woman her weight? Well – now I’m pissed that we all had mothers that thought us manners. I mean really! How could I go from 130 to 160 within a years time and not have one single person ask me about it? I know - all of you are too nice. Or probably more to the point – too scared to reap the wrath of actually saying something to a woman about her weight. We all were brought up knowing that asking about weight is too personal, off limits, and wrong. But I’m taking a stand today to say that I WANT you to say something. I need accountability. That’s what all of the above aforementioned weight programs are about. Reprogram the brain, and have some accountability along the way. We need each other to keep us aware that either we’re living in a fantasy world or are walking down a dangerous unhealthy road. And in the mean time, I’ll do my part to keep the cookies out of the house, and my feet out on the trails.

I need now to take a break and give a shout out to Bears and one of his friends (not to be named to keep his privacy intact). Yesterday I came home with an eating plan I researched off of Spark People and Bears and I talked about committing to eating better, eating less, and exercising. The same day, one of Bear’s friends emailed me and asked to start a running group. He needed some accountability too. So we set up a time to run on Saturday. This will be the first time I’ve run in about three months. But I’m ready. I want this. Jennifer Hudson told Oprah:

“I cook all my meals at home. When I work out, I like what I do. I don’t believe in overdoing myself. It’s all about self-motivation because at the end of the day, you can have all the trainers and all the money in the world, but if you don’t have that mindset, it’s not possible.”

Damn straight Ms. Hudson. No matter what “program” you use, or how much you invest in training equipment, diet food, gym memberships, or accountability partners – if you don’t have the right mindset, then it’s not possible.

Today is day one. And today I strive to have and keep the right mindset. Demons beware – you are not allowed to manipulate me today. Huzzah!

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