Smell the Pinecones lady!

Yesterday I received a call from my brother Christian, who currently works at Wal*Mart as a CSS – which basically means shift leader. He was cracking up because he usually gets a wild variety of complaints from customers on a daily basis – and yesterday was definitely one of those days.

You see – at Wal*Mart the day after Halloween = Christmas.

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You following?

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That means that all the Halloween decor is pushed aside, candy goes on sale for pennies on the dollar and everything devilish is forbidden because the CHRIST-ALMIGHTY-THE-LORD-HATH-RISEN Christmas brigade is set up. November 1st = Christmas at Wal*Mart.

Have you seen it?

Well…Have you seen these?:

 

You can find them at Wal*Mart right now, wafting in cinnamon and spice – apparently knocking old ladies to the ground with their vicious Christmas scent.

According to Christian, an old lady came up to him hysterical - accusing Wal*Mart of having no boundaries, and no sense! HOW DARE WAL*MART! This is basically how the mini scuffle went:

Old Lady: Excuse me young man, I want to speak to a manager!

Christian: I am the manager in charge right now, how can I help you?

Old Lady: I was minding my own business when suddenly a terrible smell knocked me down on the aisle…over there (pointing her crooked little finger).

Christian: A smell knocked you down or did someone knock you down – wait, did you actually fall down?

Old Lady: No one knocked me down – THE SMELL, THE SMELL! Yes, I was knocked down by the smell.

Christian: Let me make sure I have this right, you didn’t slip, no one was around, and it was just the smell that knocked you down?

Old Lady: Yes! The Smell! The smell from those awful pine cones!

Christian: The smell of the Christmas pine cones made you fall?

Old Lady: How many times do I have to say that! You should be ashamed – Wal*Mart should be ashamed. Pine cones that can literally kill people.

Christian: ….right.

Old Lady: Well?

Christian: Mamam, I don’t know what to tell you – the pine cones have to stay. Every Wal*Mart will have the same pine cones out.

Old Lady: What if I brought rotten cat food in and hid it behind the electronic section – I’m sure you would move the cat food!

Christian: Mamam, if that happened, yes we would move it – mainly because it wouldn’t be a Wal*Mart approved product. And, well – the pine cones are approved.

Old Lady: Well just you wait and see if you don’t hurt yourself the next time you walk by those damn things.

At that point my brother should have said – “this conversation is hurting me more than any pine cone smell could.” Ha, aha ha hahahhaha haah aha ha! Good ol’ cat lady causing a roucus at Wal*Mart. I bet she had blue hair too.

How I just love Christmas in November. Anyone else?

 

Who Bastardized Halloween?…Peanuts save the day!

Halloween is tomorrow! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Man I love holidays! I love how girly and giddy I get when these days roll around. All month I look forward to one magical day of Holiday goodness, like the wonder and amazement of that Holiday will last for centuries, even though I know that it will only last for that day.

And Halloween is just down right fun! I have so many great memories as a little kid of finding the perfect costume, hoping to be invited to a Halloween party, and watching  endless TV specials that seem to riddle the day of the dead. My little plastic trick-or-treat pumpkin would be full to the brim, and I would secretly wish I was one of the cool kids with a pillow case for carrying my loot. I would spend hours carving the most perfect pumpkin, and my brothers and I would spend a whole weekend decorating our parents house with cobwebs, tombstones and hanging ghosts.

What a magical time!… … …

Now I’m 30.

And Halloween means one or all of the following:

• Finding the sluttiest costume available.
• Not touching a single piece of candy because we all know that candy = 10 lbs of flab.
• Hoping you’re invited to a Halloween party because you’re too old to trick-or-treat, and you’re too young to just stay at home.
• Deciding whether or not it’s worth the mess to carve a pumpkin when you know that damn pumpkin will rot forever on your front porch before you FINALLY throw it away.
• Secretly hoping this day of “evil” will end quickly because you are tired of getting up and down to answer the door for little kids who are not yours and you could care less about commenting on how “cute” their costume is!

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGG! (As Charlie Brown would exclaim).

My only saving grace is that “they” (those that seek to destroy my magical memories) haven’t touched the one thing most near and dear to my heart: Peanuts. Charles Shulz, you may rest in peace knowing that I will guard your sacred stories and characters, and will forever cherish their purity and representation of the season! (Which, by the way, I have already watch “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown” a million times this month). Me loves me some Peanuts!

There’s something about their whimsical and honest representation of “us” that makes me fall in love with them every time I watch (or read, depending on the medium). They happily run around amuck with no parents, no rules, and definitely no regard for keeping up with “the Jones’s.”

What’s even better about them, is that they remind me of all the magic I have been waiting for. I’m transformed into being a kid again! The thought of candy = flab melts away, I joyfully run to the door to frolic with the little children who beckon for candy, and I gladly carve a meaningful pumpkin for all to delight in! (Note – I said nothing about partaking in slutty-Mc Slutterson-slut costumes).

Peanuts!? Have you transformed me? Have you saved the day? I think thou hast! You single handily wiped out all the muck and yuck people have associated with this holiday and made it pure and tantalizing again! Chuck, Lucy, Linus, Sally, Snoopy…..how did you do it?

You did it with your 1960’s magic. Or was it 1970’s? Bah – who cares, all I know is that I love you. Who knew!?

Booshy! You deserve an award…again!

Hey – if you haven’t read this blog Booshy, then get to gettin’. 

This girl is not only funny & original, but she also takes the time to personalize her efforts for her reading fans. I being one of them!

Now I know I haven’t posted in a while, but I have had my verrrrrrrry good reasons. But I could not pass up a post today. Why you ask? Well it’s because of this:

This is my own personal award for making it through Buff-tober . Oh how I love that the blogs I read actually are real freaking people! If you haven’t taken note of my blog-roll (aka: Suggested Reading), take a moment to flip through the other “real” people that I read. These are great people, with real-life-hardworking-down-to-earth things to say. Better yet, they take the time to come back to you and “catch-up” or “motivate” or “keep you accountable for things like Buff-tober.” What an awesome group of people.

Who knew blogging could be so much fun?

Thanks for reminding me Jessica!

Hang tough…..

I’ve been off the radar for a while, sorry about that. I have been:

1. Creating new courses
2. Presenting at multiple events
3. Training 7 Habits for Highly Effective People
4. Contracting for future speaking engagements
5. Trying to take care of my “brother” situation
6. Runing/eating healthy
7. Staying in contact with my family/friends
8. Carefully keeping myself from going insane
9. Loving my husband because he’s amazing
10. Keeping y’all posted.

ARG.

Just too much going on. I’ll be back. I promise.

I’m not dead…

Not yet at least.

Just busy, busy, busy at work! I have two presentations to give this week – so my “online” time will be next to zero. Sorry y’all!

I’ll be back soon. I promise.

Keep checking back for updates, as I have lots – I just can’t until next week.

Until then – have a fabulous week!

Today’s the Day

I’m freaking out

I’m freaking out

I’m freaking out.

Nerves….blah.

I’ve really got nothing for today – other than I’m freaking out!

Freaking. The. Fuck. Out.

 

Why on edge Jenny? Well – mainly it is beacuse I am holding a new class tomorrow for the Center for Learning and Organizational Excellence, and my nerves are getting the best of me.

I’m a trainer – I mean, I give presentations all the time! So why am I so jittery? Why can’t I focus? I do public speaking weekly, if not daily! So what is up with this one?

New material? New audience? Lack of confidence for some reason?

Who knows.

It’s time to stop freaking out and start getting my shit together.

Or I can just accept the fact that it doesn’t matter how many times I do this, I’m still going to get nervous.

Nerves. Blah.

Who Wants to Dig for a NuvaRing?

This post is for the ladies. Guys…sorry, I really don’t think you’ll be able to relate….but now that I say that, if you can relate – then you’ll need to tell us ladies!

I want to talk about birth control.

For the past 3-4 months I have been, well, you know…..on the pill.

This is a new experience for me. GASP! Right? I mean….you’re probably thinking “Jenny…you look old enough to be on the pill for years, not months – what the hell?”

Ahhhh. You’re right. I won’t get into why it took me so long to take birth control into my own hands, that’s a whole other topic within itself. But back to pills.

You see, I hate these little bastard pills. I do! I hate them! You know why I hate them? I hate them because I can’t remember for the life of me whether I took my pill that day or not.

Now, there is no reason for me to question whether I have taken my pill. I have a system. It’s a fail-safe system. The system is that I get up the morning, shower, brush my teeth…and right by my toothbrush is the pill pack where I then take my pill after I’ve brushed. It really and truly is a simple fail safe program!

So then why in the hell do I constantly freak out every time I want to get frisky with my husband? Holy hell! It’s like the morning’s ritual was thrown out the window and I go into panic mode….where’s my pills, where’s my pills? I have to check to make sure I’ve taken my “I don’t want a baby” magic bean of a pill.

It’s gotten so bad sometimes. Constantly I’ll have to interrupt “the good stuff” to make sure I DID in fact take my pill. Talk about a mood killer. “Sorry Jonathan, I have to stop your magic hangs and go and make sure I’ve done my part by not allowing my body to make a surprise baby.” … silence…. “ok, I’m back, now where were we?” [This is the part where Jonathan has to start all over. Poor guy].

Someone suggested that I do the “shot” or the “NuvaRing.” But the both of those methods really don’t sit well with me…. A.) because I really think that I want to have my period every month, and the shot (from what I know) is every 4 months. B.) I don’t like the idea of the constant release method of birth control. I think to myself, how does the ring and the shot know how much “control” it needs to pump into my body each day? Somehow it doesn’t add up to me.

AND – I have big problems with the NuvaRing in general! It’s bad enough that I hate having to fish out a tampon string that is outside my uterus during my rainy season, but JESUS help me if I’m going to dig inside my uterus to find a damn ring. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO! Oh my God No.

So I guess I’m stuck with the little “forget-me-not” pills.

Maybe I should wear one of those bands on my arm like quarterbacks do…you know the ones where they have all the play-by-plays. I could have my pill back in my little play-by-play arm band, so that when Jonathan is like “hey baby” with googelie eyes, I can quickly flip up my arm band and say “Yep - we’re good to go! HUT. HUT. HUT!”

Someone Un-”Ack” Me This Morning!

My Brothers.

My brothers from the same mother.

Did you know that I have twin brothers? I mean, if you went and browsed through my “about me” section aka: Kid Icarus, you would have already known that.

Twins are funny – they can be so similar, but yet be so incredibly different. My brothers are both similar in their ways, yet at the same time they are very, very different. I like that.

Almost 1 1/2 years ago my brother Christian (on the left above) moved out here to Texas. He wanted to get away from the California craptasticness, and we (Jonathan and I) had an extra room. My brother at the time was in a bad place, so we had to come up with a loving and structured environment where he could learn to grow up, yet also feel secure. Today Christian is out living on his own in Austin, working full time, paying bills like the rest of us chumps and making new friends. He was not this person in Cali -fuck up my life- ornia.

Our other brother (on the right above), wait, that sounds awful…”other brother”…like he is diseased or something. He’s not at all diseased, not in the slightest. Robert is his name, so we’ll stick with that. Rob has been struggling out in Cali-fuck up my life-ornia for the past…ohhh…10 years? Maybe that’s not exactly the correct time frame, but I know for sure it’s been the last 5 years. And for the last 5 years I have been trying and trying to get him out of that shit hole town we call home and out here to Texas. So many things have kept him in California, but alas – recently that has changed.

He called me the other day with his hands in the air (well it was on the phone, and I have no idea where his hands were, but you get the point) saying that he’s done with California and our little shit hole town. He’s tired of dealing with the same crappy people, and he’s tired of the same crappy job. So….like we did for Christian, we’re about to do for Rob. I guess what that means is; Rob is probably going to be moving in soon. ACK!

I’m scared!

I’m not scared of my brother, I’m scared for my brother! What if what we did for Christian was pure luck – and what if we fail with Rob? Rob needs more than Christian needed – Rob needs emotional help and not necessarily monetary help like his twin. Matters of the heart are always more challenging. Ack! Ack! Ack! And what’s sad is that I can’t delineate whether I am more worried about me f ‘ ing this up, or Rob. ACK!

…what the hell is “ACK” anyway? …. it makes my throat all flemmy.

Anyway, D-day is most likely after my Dad’s wedding. Oh yeah….my dad is getting remarried this Thanksgiving. Ack!

I’m a little “Ack” this morning. Can someone un-”ack” me?

Come on ride the train…and ride it…come on, it’s the Choo choo – I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…

I hate that song.

Anways – I’m here to promote a little something called BUFF-TOBER! 

What is Buff-tober?

The genius lies here: Booshy’s Buff-tober . I was reading Booshy’s blog about a week ago when she came up with the most radical, awesomest, stupendous, amazing idea that we need to get our fat asses off of the couch, past the Halloween candy and out the door to exercise-and-eat-healthy-even-if-you’d-rather-be-sucking-down-chicken Mcnuggets Land. Read her original Buff-tober post - and be inspired.

I challenge the rest of you! Yes this is a challange – thanks to Jessica’s (aka – Booshy) permission. Do the following:

• Give her the credit for Buff-tober
• Start your own buff-tober page to keep track of your buffness (see my buff-page  link above)
• Check in with Booshy’s buff-tober page for updates and the fun wise cracks we’ve grown to love
• Toally use the logo above provided by: To The Stars Through Difficulty
• If you want to track your calories, go to My Daily Plate

Buff it up people – before you know it Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here…and we all know how that goes!!!